


Burning Promises

by Lanfear



Series: Mass Effect 2 [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-01
Updated: 2013-07-01
Packaged: 2017-12-16 18:42:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/865342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanfear/pseuds/Lanfear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 1 of the Mass Effect 2 series I'm doing with a heavier emphasis on Kaidan and how he handled Shepard's death. Also, lots of angst and cameo apperances from the other characters. I hope. Kaidan has to go and see a shrink and he's really not very happy with her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Data Mining

**Author's Note:**

> Still fleshing out some things about formatting, layout, spellings, beta-ing and perspectives. I'm doing this all on my own so I'd really appreciate any feedback that you might have. Like it or hate it, etc.
> 
> Oh yeah. MASSIVE SPOILERS! Go and play the game first!

A muffled sound was shuffling past the door behind him.

With a snort and the sound of crinkling papers his eyes creak their way open. _Daylight_ , he thinks to himself and turns his head ever so slightly to look up at the gentle light, filtering in through the window of his study. He blearily twists his head to look at the scattered datapads and chips that have fallen in disarray around his desk and begins to slowly extricate himself from the pile.

He gently lifts his arm up from the account of Saren's defeat at the hands of Commander Shepard and his team atop the Citadel Tower and stiffles a yawn as he begins to tuck away pieces of information to the side. His coffee cup that he'd left overnight was, thankfully, not overturned and he isn't surprised to see the congealed, dark mass inside. Definately not edible.

The Stargazer looks at the interface that he was working on the night before and stares at the top, right-hand corner where the world's time is displayed in soft contrasts and realizes that it is just five hours since the sun began to rise. The first sun that is, and it would be another 6 hours before the second orbiting star shows itself and signals noon.

He stretches and yawns again, his tired muscles and aching bones finding some comfort in the soft chair that he'd spent _alot_ of credits on, and at times like this, proved its worth. Like an old and faithful pet that always returned to you after a long day's work.

He stands up while trying to arrange his thinning, gray hair into some semblance of order but stops suddenly as he hears the scuffling again outside and soft murmuring voices in muted conversation. He can almost guess what the voices are discussing but they cannot be deciphered by his old ears, so he takes the time to meticulously re-arrange the items on his table and goes about putting certain items away onto the shelves that surrounds him.

As the voices fade away, his stomach produces a timely and appropriate rumble and he knows he'll have to leave his sanctuary soon or he'd be extremely crabby until he found some sustenance. But the texts he is compiling take precedence, and he can't let anyone else discover his intent until the moment of its unveiling, so he steels himself and counts down the minutes till he is sure the other occupants of the house have left for the day.

He de-activates the door locking protocols and peeks his wiry head out to check the situation out in his abode and is gratified to see that everything is in order and that certain missing items; bags, shoes, coats, indicate that he is indeed alone with his thoughts. With a speed that belies his age and physical appearance, he leaps toward the kitchen, coffee mug almost swinging around as he whirls through the doorway.

He's not particularly in the mood for anything fancy and as he opens the double-doored cooling unit, he's more aware than ever of the empty gnawing his stomach is producing as his eyes rove past the delicacies and deliciousness stacked in neat piles and rows. Speed is the keyword today and his 'deadline' is drawing nearer as he stands contemplating what to eat, so he grabs a large bowl of pre-cut purple, pink and cyan 'fruits' that they still haven't graced with a name. He still thinks his intial assesment of a pineappley-mango is the best description, but doesn't let his mind wander too far as he places the bowl on the small island behind him and goes about puttering with the coffee before retreating back to his study.

As he places the items in the small clearing that the datapads have afforded him, he remembers that there is something that he needs to claim from the storey above. Something that belongs to another member of this household that is inestimably precious and that he'd only heard of in generalities over the last few years. It would also be a good time to take care of some morning grooming as well, he supposes, and decides that he might as well make his way up and get on with it.

He peeks his head out again, an old habit, and takes an unnecessary look around before making his way up to the second level of the dwelling and entering the room that is first on the left of the stairs, knowing that the child is no longer in his room. As he opens the door, he pauses and briefly takes in the decor, well-made bed, a dark-paneled wooden wardrobe and cupboard. A soft and luscious Thessian weave spreads itself across the floor and a simple but elegant painting by a reclusive hanar artist graces the wall across from the bed.

He is trying to come with a strategy to extricate the valuable mine of data that he has come in here to claim, and is sure that there are firewalls and safety measures that would stop a would-be old man from nosing his way through private belongings. As his thoughts start to formulate and discard plans, he's stopped by a small and innocuos sight on the bed. A small, datapad that is resting lightly on the well-made sheets and he freezes. It is an older model, a much, much older model than any of the ones that they use in the house and he's sure that it contains the information that he needs. He's also equally sure that its keeper has left it there purposefully for him to find.

 _Well, isn't he a sneak_ , he thinks to himself with a shadow of a grin and leaves it there for now while he takes care of some morning abulations.

When he's finished with his shave and toweled off the moisture on his face, he moves to pick up the information that will make up the next part of the work that he's compiling and hungrily starts to scroll through. His thoughts whir and churn as he places and removes formats and chronological markers, unconciously leaving the door half closed behind him as he absent trudges down the stairs while he reads through the accounts.


	2. Of Chairs and Windows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that psychiatrists are trying to do their best. But sometimes I really don't like them. And military psycho analysts (yup, separate words) just kind of... give me that vibe. Yeah...

The doctor sat there, dressed in her crisp, white uniform and quietly adjusted her glasses, an affectation during a time where minor handicaps of such natures were easily cured. Probably in an attempt to make her appear less severe, and by extension more approachable. She didn't betray a single nervous tic as she stared at the man who was sitting slightly reclined, looking to the left of her. He stared out the large window and his gaze seemed to skitter over the sheltered cultivation of the Presidium.

"Staff Commander Alenko, if you'd please just answer the question," the doctor's warm and languid voice teased over his ears.

Kaidan shifted his head in an acknowledgement without actually turning to face her. He'd seen her so many times over the last few months and knew what he'd have to face if he turned to look at her. Her face was definately at odds with her voice and while she sounded motherly and, he had to admit slightly sensual, he would never have thought that such a pinch-faced and harsh looking woman would have had a voice like a lover's caress.

And her eyes, they were the sharpest and most piercing blue that he'd seen, with the exception of one late commander that he'd served with.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I.. was wrapped up in my own thoughts. You asked me if..." he lied. He knew exactly what the detestable woman had asked him and wanted to avoid thinking about the matter if he could help it.

With a sigh she conceded to his request, though he was sure that she knew he had hear her question and was just trying to put off answering her.

"I was asking, Staff Commander Alenko, if you'd be so kind as to elaborate on your last tenure on the Normandy. The Alliance would like to see if you still harbour any... strong, negative emotional attachments to the events in order to clear you for duty once again," she said matter-of-factly, she didn't even have the decency to care _how_ it affected him.

"I'd like you to start at the beginning of the Citadel reconstruction and tell me about the days leading up to the Normandy's destruction," she reiterated, with all the subtly of a krogan wallowing in a drum of Hallex.

 

_After Ilos and Saren things were... comfortable. After their frenetic coupling, he'd tried to make it clear to Shepard that what he wanted, what he needed, was something more stable. He wasn't looking for a quick bang and he wasn't really sure how to tell Shepard how he was feeling, the words that he wanted to say. So, they took it slow, with very little said in between. They hadn't had outright sex after that, almost like they were trying to ignore that lustful night and start off back at square one. He liked that and was touched that Shepard had accepted it, how he was seeing what they had as something more precious and valuable._

_After Udina's promotion to Counsellor, they'd spent two days aboard the Citadel under the guise of the Normandy needing to restock and retrofit itself after its fight against Sovereign. Besides, the rest of the crew had needed the extended downtime as well. While Shepard had tended to his SPECTRE duties during the pseudo-day, Kaidan had been busy preparing. Well thought out meals and vid screenings and quiet, slow walks around the presidium. Basking in one another's presence and just soaking in all the feelings between them. On the second night, he'd spent his credits on a classy hotel room, wanted to have a nice romantic evening with the man and it had all been worth it, to see that mixed look of shock and pleasant surprise as Kaidan told him and showed him where they were staying that night._

_Yes, they'd had a nice comfortable bed and the temptation to do more than lie there and cuddle with sweet, soft kisses had almost taken over both of them, but Kaidan had already gotten a taste and wasn't so desperate as to ruin the good thing that they were building. So they cuddled, drank the very rare Earth-brewed beer that he'd managed to source out and fell asleep in each other's arms._

_It wasn't ideal, but it was them. The two days on the Citadel, however, passed by faster than light. The call came for the Normandy to root out the remaining Geth resistance in the systems, especially the shakily-controlled Terminus Systems, and Kaidan's two nights of getting to know Shepard and acting just like every other couple were swallowed up again in battle and machinery. Even aboard the Normandy though, there was time. Hasty kisses in the dark alcoves. Friendly teasing from the other squadmates who knew what was going on. Quick trips into Shepard's cabin and joint showers that, suspiciously, always only had the two of them present. Even Liara and Tali had gotten over their crushes on the commander and were stealthily encouraging the relationship between the two men._

 

"It was a posting, ma'am. Just like any other I'd been given during my service to the Alliance. We were in the Citadel for two days for a resupply and retrofits and left to persue the Geth objective immediately after. Admiral Anderson will have more case specific details, ma'am," Kaidan recited, a litany that he came up with and memorized to deal with the psych questions that they'd given him on the first day.

The doctor sighed again, much more louder this time and Kaidan could see out of the corner of his eye that she had folded her arms under her breasts and had begun to tap her fingers along the side of her arm.

He smiled inwardly, but kept his face blank, and knew that she was starting to become impatient with him. He'd have been too if he heard the same monotonous lines repeated to him week after week and it was a personal experiment to see how far he'd have to go before she ground her teeth in frustration and shut down the session.

"I'm well aware of that, Staff Commander Alenko," she bit out crisply, "and I'd have thought you would have more to add after spending so many months.. contemplating the matter. I'm not here to ask about classified data, I'm here to ask you about how you're handling the events _now_. What can you tell me about the days before the attack on the Normandy? Did you notice anything unusual?"

She sat back, a look of minor triumph on her face, and Kaidan guessed that she was hoping to shock him into an honest answer by asking different questions. Not that it had worked the last few times, but he was sure that she was planning something here.

 

_They'd just come back from the surface of one of the moons that they'd been sent to investigate, two days out. It was an airless, rocky lump, as they usually were, and perhaps the most striking thing about it was that there were no signs of Geth present at all. No transmissions, no frequency jammers, they hadn't even found any Geth wreckage or any indications of a Geth presence. Kaidan could tell that Shepard was frustrated and had tried to ease the tension that was building up in the man. He'd just stepped off the shuttle with Garrus and they'd been playfully ribbing each other throughout the entire pickup._

_Shepard had been unusually silent, even when Garrus had exclaimed in feigned shock that their commander must have filled his armour with rocks and propped it in the shuttle so that he could get some R &R back on the empty moon. Sure, he looked up after about a minute and had his usual grin plastered on his face as he snapped back a retort, but Kaidan could see that his heart wasn't in the reply and something was troubling Shepard._

_As he stowed away his hard earned Colossus, he wondered if maybe he should go up and find Shepard and see if he could talk to the man about what was wrong. He didn't stop by the mess section as he wandered up to the CIC, as their last mission hadn't required him to use much more of his biotics than his standard barrier. He found Shepard speaking to Navigator Pressly and stood at ease just next to the comm room while he watched Shepard checking up on their mission progress and the nav-point for their next objective._

_As Shepard turned away from his finished conversation, probably with the intention of making his way back to his cabin to update the Council, he spotted Kaidan leaning against the metallic walls. The smile that he gave Kaidan made his heart jump to his throat and he couldn't help answering with a smile of his own._

_"Hey Kaidan," he murmured, "Did you come all the way up here looking for me?"_

_"Actually, Commander, I was looking for Private Robert. You know, he wanted some 'special' advice from me, and ah..." Kaidan quipped, and was satisfied with the slightly taken back expression on Shepard's face and the flash of jealousy that passed over his eyes._

_"Wait. Why would he-" Shepard stammered, then paused as realization dawned on his features, "You know, fraternization with the crew isn't allowed under Alliance regulations. Do I have to report you, Staff Lieutenant?" Shepard blustered, getting into the act._

_Kaidan's deep, baritone chuckle emerged from his chest and shot back, "I don't know, Commander. Maybe I uh.. can convince you otherwise," his voiced dropped into the deep rasp that he used when he spoke more intimately with Shepard._

_The commander's laugh eased the tension that Kaidan had felt knotted in the back of his mind and though he wanted to asked him bluntly, he didn't want to bring up any unneccesary fears about the mission. He breathed a silent sigh of relief as he saw Shepard revert back to his old, familiar self and hoped that whatever had put his commander in his previous dark mood had passed._

 

"We were sent to investigate reports of several Geth sightings in the Terminus Systems and had... concluded multiple drops with little to no evidence of a Geth presence within the system, ma'am. We, ah, worried that many of the accounts were either fabrications with no basis on fact and.. considered the possibilty of being mislead," Kaidan quoted almost verbatim from the debriefing that he'd filed after the rescue team picked them up off Alchera. "There was nothing unsual in the crew's behaviour that I noticed, ma'am."

There was a lengthy pause and Kaidan wondered if the good doctor was already frustrated with the detached rendition of events that he was throwing at her. He glanced sideways briefly at her and felt his body freeze when he saw the obvious smile that tugged her mouth up.

"The crew, Staff Commander? I was speaking more specifically about any unusual structural anomalies about the Normandy that might have resulted in its failure to survive the attack. I believe that most of the surviving crew members were asked similar questions during their debriefings and psychological analysis. Was there... something about the crew that you feel was connected to the attack?"

Kaidan almost kicked himself and hoped that he had managed to maintain the stoic, bored expression on his face. He didn't want the doctor to know that she'd found a chink.

"No, ma'am," he replied monosyllabically and knew that his defensive attitude was spiking and taking control of the conversation.

Another frustrated sigh escaped from the doctor's lips, as if she had realized that she'd pushed too far, too fast, in eagerness.

"Very well. Let's continue then, shall we? What were your thoughts after the attack? Do you still dream about what had happened on Alchera?"

 _You're damn right I still dream about it_ , Kaidan almost spat out. They were getting to the meat of the issue now, the main reason for these psych evaluations. All the rest were just for the doctor's curiosity, maybe even supplementary data for a paper she might be thinking of writing. But the question always came back round, always asking him whether what had happened after everything was still haunting him.

The images and experiences tore through his mind and he turned back to look out the window as he tried to gather up the appropriate response amongst the shards of his memories.


	3. The Desolate Emptiness

The door slammed shut and Kaidan couldn't help but futilely pound against the thick, unyielding metal while he roared Shepard's name again and again. Almost as if the other man had heard him, Shepard turned a brief glance that lingered over Kaidan and then quickly turned back to the upper levels to find Joker. Kaidan's eyes never left the commander through the sturdy piece of shatterproof glass polymer that served as the only 'window'.

The whump of the lifepod's automatic ejection sequence threw Kaidan against the door and he knew he didn't want to experience the impact of hitting the planet's surface without being strapped in as safely as possible. With the force pushing him against the side of the shaking metal, he gritted his teeth and pulled himself along to one of the few remaining seats left.

He strapped himself in harshly, pulling harnesses and buckles tightly across his armoured shoulders and torso, though his mind was elsewhere. It kept repeating to him over and over again, _Shepard will be alright, Shepard will make it._..

The streaming litany was torn from him as the pod smashed into the terra firma of the planet beneath him and his head jerked against the safety harnesses around him. The recoil surprised him, though he should have expected it, and felt the back of his armoured head crash into the wall behind him. A searing, dull pain shot through his amp port and head, turning his world a dark black as he lost conciousness.

*

A gasp tore him from the comfortable grip of unconciousness and shoved him back into the throbbing reality around him. His vision was blurry and the world was tilted at an odd angle. He blinked several times and tried to refocus on the open hatch in front of him, on the light streaming into the space around him and immediately regretted it. Bright fingers stabbed into his ocular nerves and threatened to dig into the area surrounding his amp and he knew that, in a few minutes, he was going to develop the mother of all migraines.

Squinting and continually blinking, he tried to refocus his sight as he pulled himself to his feet and staggered his way to the door. As he neared the entrance, his adled mind convinced him to turn and survey the damage within the pod and he turned to see if any of the crew that were with him would need medical attention. He was grateful as his medic training catalogues the injuries before him. Doctor Chakwas had braced herself in the corner and while she was out cold, the worst she had was probably a concussion. An ensign with a broken arm. The mess supervisor had a line of blood trickling from a torn lip. A mashed nose. Contusions and several more concussions.

Kaidan was debating whether or not to wake Doctor Chakwas up and see if she was able to attend to the injuries that had proliferated around the rest of the evacuation crew when he heard a delicate groan come from her direction. Guessing that if she was able to get up under her own power, she'd be able to take stock of the situation, Kaidan turned and continued making his way to the sealed door.

He tried to key his omni-tool to open the release and wasn't surprised to see it fitfully blinking at him. _Guess I'll have to try the manual release_ , he thought, though with the signs of the migraine tickling its way across his head, he knew that anything overly strenuous was going to speed up the process and just make it worse.

He clutched the manual release lever and pulled. Nothing happened. Steeling himself he grabbed it in both hands and was rewarded with a grinding thunk as the lever pulled free of its recess and the door slowly hissed opened. While the flood of light made it worse for him, he was aware from the increased groans behind him that at least some of the other crew were regaining conciousness.

Kaidan peered out into a desolate and rocky world covered with thin sheets of pure white snow. Several dark streaks marked fallen debris and larger craters signalled that other lifepods had crashed nearby and were within walking distance. Hopefully Doctor Chakwas and the rest of the crew were up for a little trudge through the snow and that there weren't going to be any casualties from the evacuation.

A brighter yellowish-red caught his attention as he glanced up and he caught the sight of another falling pod heading for their general direction. He cursed his timing and his luck, hoping that it would go wide and miss the other pods in the vicinity and ducked back into the safety of the metal chamber around him as he struggled to shut the door again.

A soft thump indicated that the latest falling piece from the Normandy had landed nearby and had probably, and thankfully, landed in a snow drift. He reversed his efforts and finally climbed out of the pod, taking extra care not to fall on his head; with his brain already throbbing, any more would probably send him back into darkness again and he wasn't so sure how long he'd be out for.

He spotted the hiss of steam and smoke from the newly formed crater and hobbled his way over to it, each step sending dull pangs of pains through the amp and into his skull. But he couldn't stop. This was the last lifepod from the Normandy and he knew who was in it, who was waiting to emerge and take command of the situation and bring them all out of this cold and icy hell.

Kaidan carefully picked his way around the small crater, the bottom heavy pods always making sure to land upright, and walked a short circuit before finally finding the door. He keyed his omni-tool and was rewarded when the door interface blinked green once and slid open. He breathed a sigh of relief; he didn't think he had the strength to manually wrestled another heavy obstruction like the door before him. With hope thrumming through his heart and a small crinkling smile on his lips, he looked into the space, wanting to be the first to see if Shepard was alright. He was angry at the other man, wanted to yell at him for pulling a stunt like that and leaving him behind, but he knew he couldn't. Kaidan knew he'd never be able to yell at that forlorn, sheepish look and akward grin the commander pulled on him and-

His eyes adjust to the darkness inside. He saw Joker first, crumpled against the side of one wall and knew that the pilot had probably shattered something on impact. Chakwas had done her best aboard the Normandy and he used many different medical tactics to strengthen Joker's skeletal structure, but Kaidan knew that he still wasn't as sturdy as an average person. His eyes swept quickly around the pod and stopped when they made their way back to Joker. He blinked and swept his gaze over the space again, felt cold, numbing fingers clutching around his chest as his breathing became more erratic and laboured.

Shepard wasn't _there._ The only person was Joker. Was there another escape pod? Maybe the commander had stayed to save someone else, and shoved Joker in this one before he turned back. Like what for Kaidan.

Suddenly he heard the audio system in his helmet pick up something that Joker was muttering. No, Commander. Don't do it, Commander. Dammit, no... Repeated over and over again and he could help himself. He pulled himself through the opening and almost ran into Joker, barely skidding short of the injured pilot as adrenaline and gnawing dread crested and rose up within him.

He unheedingly shook Joker and almost screamed in his face, "Joker! Where's the Commander? Where's Shepard?"

"He.." Joker coughed and struggled, "He shoved me in here and sealed the door! He was still on the Normandy when... when..." another fit of coughing overtook Joker and Kaidan felt the surge of emotions break free and tear through him, leaving him numb.

An explosive roar sounded outside and he swivelled around trying desperately to make his way out and see what had caused that sound, trying his best to deny the truth that was coiling around him. His head was thrumming now, the adrenaline doing little to numb the pain and he felt his body's systems trying in vain to stem the flow of anguish that surged through him.

He looked out and cast his gaze around and another muffled boom drew his attention upwards, and the sight shattered the resolve that he'd tried so desperately to cling to. The Normandy was in _pieces_. The first boom must have come from the detonating core and had ripped the ship apart. Gravity was doing the rest and the re-entry was casting the ship to ground like a broken toy. Flames enveloped the once gleaming super-structure and his heart stilled as he saw the cockpit cave in under the forces at work and shattered.

The cockpit that Shepard was in when he went to save Joker. He didn't realize that he was screaming, shouting till his throat burned and ached, a name that had come to mean so much to him over and over again. Without meaning to, his knees crumpled from the miasma of emotions and physical fatigue but he kept his head up, kept his eyes on the brilliantly burning ship as it broke apart and unceremoniously littered its remains across the frozen wasteland around him.

The last thing he was aware of were the tears that poured down his cheeks and the name that kept erupting from his trembling lips. The migraine that had been building up finally unleashed its full fury against the back of his head, though the stabbing pain was nothing compared to the empty vastness that had opened up within his chest.

Kaidan keeled forward and collapsed onto the harsh metal surface of the pod.

**

"... suggest that perhaps you still need more time, Staff Commander. I think it would be best that I write up my report and continue your current run of medications and arrange for an extended leave of absence from Alliance duties. I'm sure you understand," the voiced droned on in the background, and he felt himself coming back to the present.

The doctor. The constricting little room with the large window, tantalizing him with images of peace and freedom.

"I.. Doctor?... What..." he stuttered haltingly, and Kaidan realized that he had lost his self control and had once again immersed himself in thoughts of the past. Thoughts of Shepard.

The doctor sighed and removed her glasses, shifting her seat and bring her face up to look directly at the side of Kaidan's head.

"From what I can tell, the memories still haunt you. I can... empathize with how traumatic it must have been, but Alliance regulations stipulate that such events cannot be allowed to take over the thought processes of their personnel. I'm sorry, Staff Commander, but I cannot, with any confidence, file my approval for your re-instatement to active duty and I will have to continue my current recommendations for you. Now, I think that..."

She almost sounded sincere, Kaidan thought, though in truth he was sure that it was more resignation at the stubborn person before her than wanting to clean house within his head. He could feel the dull tickling around the edges of his amp and knew that his headaches were about to come to the fore, a usual consequence of his monthly 'discussions' with the doctor.

He felt annoyed at being forced to subject himself to the none too tender ministrations of the therapists and knew that the empty hole growing in his chest was something that no amount of therapy or talking would will. He felt angry at himself for losing control and angry at the way the Alliance could so emotionlessly treat its soldiers, like cattle to be processed and molded back into service.

What he didn't feel, and told himself wasn't really there, were the silent tears that glistened along his eyes and trailed down his cheeks, staining his uniform, as he sat in the comfortable chair looking out over the Presidium gardens.


End file.
